


Right There Behind You

by Breadstick_child



Series: Right There Behind You [1]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Angst, Autistic Carlos (Welcome to Night Vale), Bittersweet Ending, Carlos in the Desert Otherworld, Carlos is a Good Boyfriend, Drinking to Cope, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Sad, everyone is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 03:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17113634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breadstick_child/pseuds/Breadstick_child
Summary: Cecil sighed. He sat down on the edge of his bed, their bed, feeling more alone than ever. Carlos would come back, and they’d be happy together, everything would be okay.…He knew it would be, it had to be, he couldn’t take it if it weren’t…no, it’d be alright. We’ll be alright. We’ll be alright. We’ll be alright.(rated teen for heavy subjects and general ouch)





	Right There Behind You

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much to lightseekergamewing for beta-reading!
> 
> warnings for drinking, self-harm, depression, and general sad
> 
> alternate joke titles include:  
> -cecil has clinical depression: the fic  
> -knock knock. get the door. it's d e p r e s s i o n
> 
> thank you so much for reading...welcome to sad

Cecil sighed. He sat down on the edge of his bed,  _ their _ bed, feeling more alone than ever. Carlos had been gone for almost… nine months now, and he missed seeing his scientist, his boyfriend, his  _ perfect Carlos. _ He finished his glass of wine, setting the glass on the nightstand, and he sunk into the blankets. He wrapped himself in them like a cocoon, enjoying the warmth. He shut his eyes, trying to remain on the positive side. Carlos would come back, and they’d be happy together, everything would be okay.

 

…He knew it would be, it  _ had _ to be, he couldn’t take it if it weren’t…no, it’d be alright.  _ We’ll be alright. We’ll be alright. _

 

_ We’ll be alright. _

 

He opened his eyes again, all three of them, blinking to adjust to the light difference. He reached for his phone, fumbling around the nightstand where he’d left it, before finally finding it a minute or two later. He brought it towards his face, looking at the time.  _ Gods, it was already 10 pm?  _ He’d slept for a solid two hours…

 

He set the phone down on the bed next to him, curling back up again, waiting to feel something,  _ anything  _ other than numbness. He’d rather have someone he cared about stab him in the back than to feel empty. It would hurt, yes, but it was worse to feel nothing. He felt his eyes well up, and he blinked back the upcoming tears, burying his face in the sheets, trying not to have a breakdown for someone that wasn’t there. Someone he cared about. Someone he  _ loved,  _ with all of his heart, but couldn’t touch. His emotions subsided as he drifted off into a world of sleep, where everything was fine, and he could see his darling Carlos again…

 

Vibration. Cecil opened his eyes again, feeling groggy and even worse than before. He felt thirsty, and his head felt as if someone had taken a hammer to it. Had he taken another nap? He instinctively picked up his phone, checking the notifications bar. There were two texts, one about seventeen minutes ago, one now. They were both from Carlos, oh, perfect,  _ perfect Carlos… _

 

_ -Hey, Cecil, I finished my last experiment for the day, and uh, if you want to talk, I’m free. (18m) _

 

_ -Cecil? _

 

He unlocked the phone, opened up Skype, and quickly typed a response to his boyfriend.

 

_ -heyy carlos (≧▽≦)/ _

 

_ -It’s good to hear from you. Is everything okay? _

 

He took his time reading, rereading, trying to think.  _ Was _ everything okay? He decided he was, and he spent a couple minutes typing, deleting, retyping, trying to figure out what he’d want to say. Eventually, he sent a message - short, sweet, and to the point.

 

_ -i’m ok. i was super tired so i took a nap -w- _

 

_ -Ah. That makes sense. I feel the same way, really, but I’ve been trying to stay awake all day so I can (theoretically) get some sleep tonight. :) _

 

Cecil smiled, a rarity these days, feeling as if the empty space in his heart had filled itself. Of course, the emptiness and pain would replace that again the second they settled in for sleep and stopped talking for the day. It always had, and he wasn’t sure how many times it would happen again. ...Or how many times he could  _ handle _ it happening again, but he preferred not to think about that.

 

He did have something to think about, however. When was the last time he’d actually  _ seen _ Carlos? Not in person, of course, that was eight months ago. But the last time he’d seen him, even over Skype, was….he couldn’t remember how long it had been. He missed seeing his square jaw, his dark complexion, his dark chocolate eyes that had a spark only electricity could match, his  _ hair _ , oh, masters of us all, his  _ hair... _

He needed to see him, even if it wasn’t face-to-face. So he typed, posing the beginnings of a question:

 

_ -hey carlos? can i ask you smth? _

 

_ -What’s ‘smth’ mean again? I’m sorry _

 

_ -no need to apologize doll!! it’s a shortening of the word ‘something’ _

 

_ -Ohhh, alright. I should familiarize myself with that one. _

 

_ -haha :p _

 

_ \- Yeah, uh, go ahead...but if it’s something bad, please let me know. You know I’m not good with bad news, especially through texts... _

 

_ -oh, it’s nothin bad baby! i was just going to ask if we could video call...i wanna see your perfect face  _ ♡(◜ω◝)♡

 

_ -I’m not perfect, Cecil. Far from it. But I’d like to see you, too. A video call sounds great. _

 

_ -let me know when you’re ready! _

 

_ -Oh, uh, alright...let me clear off my desk...and try to find some lavender gum lying around. I miss that. _

 

He chuckled. He knew Carlos  _ loved _ lavender gum, and he knew it calmed him down. Based on that, he could surmise that it had been a difficult few months once the pack or two he always had in his pockets ran out. 

Thinking of his boyfriend unhappy made him unhappy by extension, and he frowned, trying to make himself look presentable in his phone camera. He parted his hair the way he always did, cleaned the lenses of his glasses, took off his tie, and fixed his collar, unbuttoning the top two buttons so he’d be more comfortable.

 

He rolled out of the cocoon he’d made himself, sitting up, his head still pounding. He sighed, thinking he should get a glass of water and maybe some aspirin. He wanted to mask his residual hangover and his gradual decline. He didn’t want Carlos to worry about him, no, that was the  _ last  _ thing he wanted, at least while he couldn’t physically reassure him. It was getting increasingly difficult to put a façade over, especially with the whole Lot 37 debacle, and the rather… troubling voicemail he’d gotten from his double. The fact that he was near Carlos made him uneasy, at the least. 

 

He trusted his boyfriend to make it out of such a bad situation. He decided to get up and put on that mask of being alright. He walked to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. He touched it to his lips, and it was then when he realized just how  _ thirsty _ he was. He finished his glass concerningly quickly, and refilled it a few more times before setting it down, halfway empty. His phone chimed, telling him his boyfriend was done. He finished the water he’d neglected, and walked back to bed. He got comfortable and started the video call, excited to see his boyfriend.

 

***

 

“Hey, Cecil,” Carlos said. His tone was a bit tired, but he understood why. Being away from Night Vale was probably stressing him out, and it didn’t help that he couldn’t find a way out, no matter how many doors he checked. Cecil just wanted him home, and he tried to keep it to a minimum, but sometimes he couldn’t handle being silent anymore.

 

Cecil stared at the strange image of his boyfriend. He didn’t look the same. It was  _ too different _ . So different that he couldn’t figure out how to feel. He looked so  _ tired _ , so  _ sad,  _ like he hadn’t seen joy in years. He looked so much  _ older _ . His premature greying had gotten so, so much worse, and the bags underneath his eyes said he hadn’t slept in forever. He smiled against his will, simply waving, blinking back tears he hadn’t noticed until just then. Why was he crying? There was no reason to. He was talking with his boyfriend, and when he was with Carlos, everything was nice, and calm, and happy. There was  _ no reason to cry _ , and yet he was.

 

Immediately Carlos’s expression changed, looking at Cecil with concern, quietly asking him what was wrong. Cecil knew he  _ had _ to reassure him that he was alright, but he wasn’t. He didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want Carlos to worry, either! The thought process was overwhelming him, and he knew his mask was crumbling in front of his own eyes, and  _ that was not what he wanted _ . He wanted to pretend he was fine so his boyfriend wouldn’t worry, but he didn’t want to hold the façade anymore, he was  _ so  _ tired, he was falling apart, he was sobbing, he was curling into a ball, he was  _ tired of pretending. _

 

“Cecil...are you okay? I don’t want you to cry, alright..? I need you to talk to me. I’m a scientist, I solve problems, but I can’t help unless I know what’s wrong.”

 

Carlos was trying to help him. Gods almighty, he  _ loved this man.  _ He couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend. He wished that he could stop crying and say he was fine, he  _ truly did _ , but nothing was stopping it now. The barrier had broken, and here was the inevitable flood.

 

He continued sobbing, digging his nails into his wrist. The pain helped ground him, and while he knew it was unhealthy, it was keeping him from breaking down entirely. Carlos continued on quietly, talking close to his phone, trying to keep calm.

 

“Cecil…I need you to breathe, okay? Breathe in for four seconds, uh, hold it for seven, and breathe out for eight. I’m going to start counting for you…”

 

He tried to steady himself, and Carlos began counting, as he said he would. 

 

“...Breathe in, two, three, four…”

 

He tried breathing in, deep, steady breaths, his body shuddering as he tried to calm down.

 

“Hold, two, three, four, five, six, seven…”

 

He held his breath, his tears already beginning to subside. He focused on letting go of his wrist, assessing the damage. He shuddered again, realizing that he had caused far more damage than he’d planned to. There was a nasty mark, almost like he had scratched his skin without realizing, and it was deep enough that it was starting to bleed. There were multiple other spots like this on his arms, but he didn’t want to think about that. He also had to focus on breathing...

 

“Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…”

 

He followed his boyfriend’s directions, exhaling slowly, his body relaxing a bit. Carlos continued his directions, and Cecil continued to follow them. He felt the stress melt off his body, feeling looser and calmer.

 

An indeterminable amount of time later, Carlos stopped directing Cecil’s breathing. He started assessing his boyfriend’s body language (which was rather sleepy), and concluded that he should be alright.

 

“Cecil, am I okay to stop counting for you? If you need me to keep going, I will, but you need to tell me.”

 

He parted his lips, wanting to respond, but no words would come out, only air attempting to form words. He simply nodded, trying to convey that he was fine. He felt a lot better already, and he was glad Carlos cared this much about him.

 

“Alright. I love you, okay?”

 

He tried speaking again, his voice deciding to work this time. It was quiet, gentle, reflecting how tired he felt, but it was there.

 

“I...I love you, too. I’m sorry for making you deal with me..”   
  
“You don’t have to apologize. We’re in a relationship, Cecil. I’m not just tolerating you. I care about you, and despite what it may seem, I miss you so,  _ so much.  _ I would give  _ anything _ to be there with you.”

 

Cecil nodded again, stifling a small whimper. He would  _ not _ cry a second time tonight. He  _ would not. _

 

“Hey, I’ve been thinking of something for a while, and I forgot to tell you. That’s what scientists do. Not forgetting to tell you, but thinking,” Carlos said, rather abruptly.

 

“I’d sure hope so,” Cecil murmured in response, smiling gently. 

 

“Mhm. Well, I’ve been thinking. And when I think, I generally think about you. I think about how much I want to be home, and home with  _ you _ , and we’ll be happy….anyway. When I think about that, it makes me unhappy, but when I get unhappy...I tell myself something. Do you know what that is?”   
  
“Mmm...no, I don’t. Do you wanna tell me, wonderful Carlos?”

 

“Well...only because you asked,” Carlos teased. He stuck his tongue out playfully before continuing.

 

“I tell myself that no matter what, you’re here with me. When I get frustrated with science, you hug me tight and tell me it’ll be okay. When I go to bed, you kiss my forehead and settle down next to me. You’re always there with me,” he said, not seeming awkward at all. Cecil wondered if he’d planned this.

 

“So, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with you, right? Well, mi querido, whenever you feel sad, or lonely, I want you to know I’m always there. Even if I’m not tangible, I’m always there. I’m sitting next to you right now. You probably cannot see me, but I’m there, I promise.”   
  
“No...no, I can see you,” Cecil responded. He swore he could see Carlos’s silhouette beside him, just a faint outline, but he was there. He felt somewhat comforted by that thought, and he felt himself doze off. He tried his absolute best to stay awake, but sleep was claiming him, and fast. The last thing he heard before he fell asleep was:

  
“I’m glad. Just remember...I’m right there behind you.”

  
  


_  
_ _ “I’m right there behind you.” _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> ok so the reason this is part of a series is because i'm gonna write a happier sequel! stay tuned for that, and thanks for reading! 💜


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